Unavailable by Angela Kelly

Author:Angela Kelly [Kelly, Angela]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Gay & Lesbian, General, Love & Romance, Social Science, Lesbian Studies, Family & Relationships, Personal Memoirs, Biography & Autobiography
ISBN: 9781456587000
Google: 5EXaNyTPejsC
Amazon: 1456587005
Publisher: JMS Books LLC
Published: 2011-02-24T00:00:00+00:00

with Jennifer, my overwhelming fear of being alone and having an utter inability to take care of myself. Program-speak cautions people in recovery against sex and relationships in early sobriety because we are prone to use that person, act, or relationship in the same manner—compulsively, addictively, as a shield against the reality of our own lives.

Of course, none of this occurred to me. I also completely chose to ignore the fact Terry had had sex with a man only a few nights before in my own living room while I slept, and God only knew how many men before that. I still liked to hide behind the

“lesbians are not at risk” myth, even though I knew better. Not once did it occur to me I might be being used or taken advantage of, that this woman was in my bed partially because I’d given her a place to live and she felt like she owed me that much.

No, none of these thought processes would override the immediate need to have an orgasm and cause someone else to do the same. I believed this was the measure of my own self-worth.

After an extended make-out session, she tried to maneuver our bodies to position me for oral sex. This is usually my first clue about someone’s inherent heterosexuality. Straight women, just like straight men, always want to go for oral sex first because they make the false assumption that, simply by definition of being a lesbian, that is what I want. As if this sexual act is all lesbians ever engage in, as if we have no imagination whatsoever, or we all live up to the standard pornographic stereotype. Although I enjoy oral sex as much as the next person, I also long for connectedness and intimacy, which means I prefer to be close to my lover, feel her breath on my skin, kissing, all things made impossible when I’m “up here” and she’s “down there.” So I surprised her by steering her away from that, concentrating instead on what she and I could both do with hips and hands rather than mouth and tongue.

I couldn’t make her come, which frustrated me. I assumed that was about my lack of ability, which I once had great confidence in. Again, there was that self-pitying type of self-centeredness. It just had to be about me. She assured me repeatedly it wasn’t, but I didn’t believe her. I fell asleep next to 47

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